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In your sunlight

19 May

shadows_in_the_sun_by_ineedchemicalx-d5k1aew

I stumbled on your words.

I wasn’t looking. But somewhere an age ago on my own back pages you had made a comment and left behind the inevitable avatar footprint. Relationships leave so many tracks these digital days.

Without really thinking I found myself at your blog.

It is completely you. I mean, it reflects you. How I remember you anyway. Elegant, feminine, uncluttered, intelligent and creative. A sense of style. Sending a statement of who you are. I felt impressed, but then I always was.

I wasn’t going to read anything.

I don’t want to know about your life now. Your successes, your lovers, your writing, your photographs, your music, all your dreams coming true. But I couldn’t help myself. I scrolled down through the entries. I have always liked the way you write.

There are posts which I was temporarily certain were about me. Yet I rationalised, looking at the dates, too much time had passed for it to possibly be so. I felt an inevitable stab of jealousy that someone else could have stirred you to write words that I would have cherished. Words that I would have been so proud to inspire.

And a small part of me clings to the hope, ridiculous I know, that I am in your mind every now and again as you tap at your keyboard

I didn’t stay for long. Although it is a public site it still seemed like prying. And I had this strange feeling you would somehow discover me there. A dark and now unwelcome stranger, lurking amongst your pages.

A shadow in your sunlight.

I will not return.

.

.

© the author writing as Romantic Dominant

Photo stolen from iNeedChemicalX

 

 

 

 
31 Comments

Posted by on May 19, 2014 in Lovers Past, Still Life

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

31 responses to “In your sunlight

  1. Reticent Mental Property

    May 19, 2014 at 1:03 am

    you just need to read more…it’s all going to be fine. Freakin’ fine.

    Like

     
    • pinkshantung

      May 19, 2014 at 9:35 am

      I find this post v.interesting. Mainly, because it highlights the potential difficulty’s of being involved in a relationship/friendship with someone who writes a blog, as I perceive them be. I’m thinking of starting a blog & already write a bit of stuff here & there & its already clear that those who read what I write, think they are somehow implicated or that they ought to be!! Tricky scenario to deal with and I’m writing about Textiles/Homewares, never mind sexual encounters and matters of the heart!! I wish I knew what to say to encourage you (maybe you don’t need encouraging anyway) , but that its the not the nicest feeling in the world to think that something wonderful that someone said, that you thought was about you (although you could hardly believe they would say that about you, but in the circumstances, it seemed that as extraordinary as it was, they did seem actually seem to mean you) , was not actually about you. 😦 To go from feeling marvellously included to feeling horribly excluded & the unavoidable self questioning & perhaps embarrassment. No.its not easy, but I can tell you from personal experience , that there is life after that!! You can get over it. 🙂 When I feel I’m in danger of thinking something applies to.me and it prob doesn’t, I sing a little hilarious song in my head. Don’t know who sings it but It goes “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you!” Brilliant for shifting the I feel sorry for myself focus. 🙂

      Like

       
      • pinkshantung

        May 19, 2014 at 9:47 am

        Obviously though, if you were actually in a relationship with the woman, then its altogether more difficult, which I recognise ( without seeming to be insensitive, which I absolutely am not!) Like you say, the best policy is to try and see her blog posts in the context of what was going on re you and her at the time of posting i.e matching up your dates and so on & not getting screwded up or too jealous where you realise she means someone entirely different. And…in those places where you realise to your dissapointment that its absolutely not you she means, identify those things about the person she did mean that are similar to you( if they are positive things!!) and rejoice in her very consistent good taste!!!

        Like

         
        • Romantic Dominant

          May 19, 2014 at 11:39 am

          Don’t worry. I do maintain a perspective. But thanks for the advice.

          Like

           
      • Romantic Dominant

        May 19, 2014 at 11:38 am

        Um. Thank you. I think.

        Like

         
    • Romantic Dominant

      May 19, 2014 at 11:27 am

      Smiles. It always is.

      Like

       
  2. dievca

    May 19, 2014 at 1:12 am

    Take pleasure that you left an impression that inspired a great blog to be developed.
    I am sure of it. You led by example, you just didn’t realize it until now.

    Like

     
  3. Catnip

    May 19, 2014 at 1:19 am

    There are very few people that move us like that, even one is rare but two is a miracle. Maybe if I were you I think I would feel pretty lucky, maybe even blessed. Love changes us, it’s not meant to end us. And some of love the way you write too. Love Catnip.

    Like

     
    • Romantic Dominant

      May 19, 2014 at 11:30 am

      Thank you. Yes. We are changed by events, love, tragedy and joy. We would be lesser people if we were not.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  4. lesliemeeks

    May 19, 2014 at 1:33 am

    That’s how it feels when one hopes or thinks maybe something is written for or about them. Then you realize…

    I’m sure she would love for you to visit and read her words. If the words are beautiful, does it really matter if they are about us? It doesn’t stop me from visiting and it shouldn’t you. Smiles.

    Like

     
  5. soshfly69

    May 19, 2014 at 3:50 am

    Reblogged this on BitterSweet's Blog and commented:
    Don’t you wonder if someone knows you admire their work and are touched by their words?

    Like

     
  6. ~ Sadie ~

    May 19, 2014 at 3:51 am

    Read it . . . and hit the like button, if you so desire 😉 Really enjoyed the way this was expressed! Like your style ☮

    Like

     
  7. Desires in the Dark

    May 19, 2014 at 4:06 am

    Whether or not we like a post.
    Whether or not we comment on it.
    Whether or not we are moved beyond words…

    We still read it.
    We still are there.

    Like

     
  8. b.l. ronan

    May 19, 2014 at 9:00 am

    ever delicate in its darkness x

    Like

     
  9. pinkshantung

    May 19, 2014 at 9:50 am

    P.s I’m with LeslieMeeks (Hi Leslie! :-)) in that with regard to your blog posts, that we keep coming back although we know they are not about us! Have a lovely day. 🙂

    Like

     
  10. georgeforfun

    May 19, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    Reblogged this on georgeforfun.

    Like

     
  11. Heartafire

    May 21, 2014 at 2:48 am

    although one know your words are not intended specifically for oneself, it would not be as enjoyable if one could not imagine that they could be. Please let us imagine….fantasy is the next best thing.

    Like

     
  12. Marzena Ablewska (@MarzenaAblewska)

    May 22, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    There is always someone, who is our karma.. and for whom we are able to tear apart everything, everything wandering through the time and space. Adore this post..

    Like

     
  13. emotionallybereft

    May 26, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    I love this post; it’s so true and stark in it’s honesty. Beautifully done.

    Like

     
  14. Sofia

    June 13, 2014 at 4:28 am

    I am not sure what to say… Part of me wants to say please return to her blog for it seems it touched you in many ways and then another part of me wants to agree with you that you should move forward and not return to her blog anymore…
    As always, heartfelt and eloquently written.
    xo

    Like

     
    • Romantic Dominant

      June 13, 2014 at 3:27 pm

      Thank you. I appreciate your comments Sofia

      Like

       
      • Sofia

        June 14, 2014 at 9:00 pm

        You are terribly sweet to say so… Thank you.
        xox

        Like

         

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