Is there a moment when it happens?
Or is it that a million moments accumulate into an eventual realisation?
Relationships change, they evolve, they shift. Circumstances fashion them, events alter them, decisions divert them. Love has countless patterns and textures that can shine or fade. It is never constant. It has a restless dynamic that, even when seemingly at peace, stirs in the darkness.
Once in a lifetime we are perfectly loved. Love is given to us with a purity of soul that almost blinds us. Absolute adoration. Glorious submission. It is a love that would give up everything. It is rare, unique, special.
But even such wondrous love cannot flourish without hope. I gave her everything I could, but I took away hope. I carry that burden among many other burdens. All of my own foolish construction.
She has survived. She is braver, stronger, more resilient, more at ease. For her, and perhaps for myself, I am no longer what I was. I never will be again.
For the man I am, with all my vanity, my ego, my pretensions and my self-deception, I would rather have no love at all than find myself in the slowly lengthening shadows of what once raged and burned so brightly.
We must be to each other what we never wanted to be..
Strangers.
.
.
Originally posted, with small variations, in both my Love Affair Diary and Shadows & Dancers blogs. I have a very personal and special reason for re-posting it today, and do so with a heart that could hardly be heavier.
Painting: Journey’s End by Anne Magill
A Faded Romantic's Notebook 
MysticalKitty
August 26, 2012 at 10:06 am
Oh, this pain cut through and shredded the tapestry of fantasy in rivers of tears.
You seem to be the stranger to yourself…all your loves were just the mirrors.
The pain will linger longer, deep rooted, pulsating with every beat of your heart. Start loving…and start with yourself.
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Romantic Dominant
August 26, 2012 at 10:43 am
We are all strangers to ourselves. The self is always the hardest person to love.
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MysticalKitty
August 26, 2012 at 12:22 pm
How can one know others when knows not oneself?
How can one recognize love when love never beats from within?
It is never the hope that is killing but the acknowledgement that loving someone was loving a hollow…
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Romantic Dominant
August 26, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Not in every case
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D
August 26, 2012 at 10:17 am
From time to time, for my own very personal reasons, I enjoyed dipping into its pages. I shall miss it. But sometimes it’s necessary to close the door, turn the key, and leave things to time and distance.
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Romantic Dominant
August 26, 2012 at 10:42 am
You are right. Time and distance.
I hope that you won’t stop reading though …
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Theo Black
August 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm
Deep and sad, RD. I hope you go on to good things after this.
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Romantic Dominant
August 26, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Thank you. You are very kind. I think I will go on to quiet things
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charmaine151
August 26, 2012 at 4:27 pm
There is nothing that compares to the pain of a heavy heart. I feel for you.
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Romantic Dominant
August 26, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Thank you. As someone commented – Time and Distance.
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surrenderedone
August 26, 2012 at 8:39 pm
I know this story well…….it hurts in a way that cannot really be described. My throat aches just reading it.
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Romantic Dominant
August 27, 2012 at 8:39 am
We think our stories are unique but, although the details are, the heartbreak is universal
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magcarpenter
August 27, 2012 at 2:35 am
We are all wounded. Sharing the pain helps heal. Your eloquent words have touched me deeply, as they have touched so many, evidenced by the comments left for you.
Strangers? Forgive me – I think not. I know well the void of which you speak. But one can never be a stranger to another with whom one has shared so much – so intimately. There is another word – or other words. Perhaps an inspired thought will fall upon one of us and we can share.
Each of us has a voice. An angel. An instinct. Call it what you will, but we know the truth as we walk through the door. I knew the moment he touched me – the moment I melted into him – the moment his eyes locked mine. I knew he would hurt me. I knew he would leave me weeping, heartbroken and alone. But I chose to stay. I chose to ignore the voice – the warnings – it was my decision. He holds no responsibility for my choice. As you hold no responsibility for hers…
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Romantic Dominant
August 27, 2012 at 8:52 am
Yes. I remember the instant we first met so well. It felt so special, but I never realised then how momentous. There were never any promises. Yet I let her down badly and have never forgiven myself. We have always tried to be extraordinary for each other, but in the end it was she who asked too much of me and I ran out of guilt.
There will always be love. Too much love for us to bear in our circumstances. That is why we must be strangers. Except for festive and birthday cards to confirm we are still alive under the same sun.
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Evelyn
August 27, 2012 at 5:17 pm
Your decision makes me angry and so sad. Or it did. Now, I understand much better.
Still, I wish you had gone with her…but more than that, I wish you could have done so without losing the thing I know now holds you. It holds me too.
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Romantic Dominant
August 27, 2012 at 5:59 pm
It was impossible. And in the end, what we did was right. Eventually … Eventually, four people will be happy. I am deeply sad to finally lose Jenny – but my life at home is happy enough
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Evelyn
August 28, 2012 at 5:12 pm
whats enough?
Love you friend…
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Romantic Dominant
August 28, 2012 at 9:51 pm
Who knows?
Smiles
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julienmatei
August 30, 2012 at 11:02 am
Like 🙂
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Romantic Dominant
August 30, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Thank you. Smiles.
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loneyheart
October 26, 2012 at 5:16 pm
Lonely and yet not alone. They sit there next to you and to the world you look like a happy couple. What others aspire to be. And yet on the inside you are strangers sharing a life, sharing a world, cold loney dark, nearly dead.
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Romantic Dominant
October 28, 2012 at 6:10 pm
Ah, appearances….
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Leslie Meeks
January 30, 2017 at 1:45 am
I find myself wiping a tear from my face after reading this and the comments. It makes my heart ache.
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Romantic Dominant
January 30, 2017 at 9:01 am
Yes. Yet time passes and heals.
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